sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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