god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
