just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Randomize
