the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize