I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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