my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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