I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
