I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
