Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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