Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
even my farts smell like vagina
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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