he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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