I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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