Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
