I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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