She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
