i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
