using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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