the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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