Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
