She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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