he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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