I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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