I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
