I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
