yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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