I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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