I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
