I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
