I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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