that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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