I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
