smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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