Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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