Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
