just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize