So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
