i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
