My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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