so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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