Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
