We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
