The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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