I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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