separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
