Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
