The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
