I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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