I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
ttyl tear gas
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
