She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
