R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
