hotel room ftw
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
