Ketchup is God's man juice
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
