Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
