Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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