Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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