i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize