At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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