his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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