I hate your face
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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