piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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