I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
